I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i would punch a child for taco bell
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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