go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
