im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
