dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
