you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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