I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
