every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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