He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
there is glitter all over my balls
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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