Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
