fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
