Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
