The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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