I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
