sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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