Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
