I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
