Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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