dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
