but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
