All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
