Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
