Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
