Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
