You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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