Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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