apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
