She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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