I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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