You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
