I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
