Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
