I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
please come you make the beer taste better
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
