If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
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