I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
