it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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