Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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