Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
