I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
