the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
We are all done wearing pants today
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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