I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
