My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
