ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
