I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
