i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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