So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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