Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
