Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
