Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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