omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
