College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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