those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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